My 50µg AL-LAD experience for consciousness-work

Yesterday was the third time that I tried out AL-LAD. I took about 50µg. Before taking the substance I did 90 minutes of concentration meditation. Afterwards I contemplated and asked myself if I wanted to take the substance or not. I felt confident but also nervous. I always get this stirring feeling in my gut that I associate with anxiety.

Because you never know what you will get from taking psychedelics. After taking AL-LAD I turned on some music and started dancing. But I really did not feel any anxiety this time. After an hour I could feel some effects.


I noticed that I get sucked into the present moment more. Everything became more detailed. To the point where listening to lyrics in a song became almost impossible. It was like time slowed down and therefore I could not remember the sounds from the beginning of the word anymore. This was interesting but also a little terrifying to observe. Although I felt sober otherwise, I could clearly relate where this would take you on higher doses.

With this slowing down of time, I seemed incredibly long to trip for 6-8 hours. I mostly spend the time meditating in silence, because even music became too demanding at some point and I really enjoyed the silence more.

Overall I was feeling very emotional and as I spend the day alone, I also felt overwhelmingly lonely. But I took the chance and observed how those feelings behave in my body. Although I wanted to run away from them.

I also had the strong wish to be sober again. And I could clearly see how much I like my sober state of consciousness. I am mostly in a very calm state of mind and was thinking that I had no real anxieties for example. But this trip showed me that there is a lot in my subconscious which I like to suppress.

Again it also showed my how much more meditation and awareness work I have to do. When it comes to the present moment and being aware of it, we all think we can actually experience reality. But that is far from the truth. We automatically skip huge parts of our sensory input and put everything in categories. For example, try to listen to your mother tongue without attaching meaning to what you hear. That is impossible for most people. Or looking at this text without attaching meaning to the symbols you see. There is actually no meaning in them. Your mind is automatically doing that. And it is doing that with everything you perceive.

What is the problem with that? You are simply not present. You are always caught up in what you think is important of reality and that distorts what is actually there. It keeps you from experiencing reality directly.


So overall this trip was insightful but also more demanding than I would have thought. On this kind of dosage you are not really tripping, but you are also not really sober anymore. I do not know if I would recommend it, because it can definitely make you feel “bad” for a couple of hours. But then, if you are seriously interested in growing yourself and have already spend full days in meditation you know that this is not always pleasant.

If it is possible to describe all of reality...

...then this is it.



Yesterday actualized.org released a new video of breath-taking length of two hours. And it is so far the best description of reality or absolute infinity that I have ever come across.
If you are seriously interested in enlightenment I encourage you to invest the time and listen to it. And commit to trying to understand everything he is saying. If you have not yet had an enlightenment experience, than this is probably close to impossible to grasp. But in case you have had such an experience, you will notice how beautifully accurate Leo’s description of reality is.

For me this video had the effect of bringing back bits and pieces of memories from my enlightenment experience which I had forgotten. Or could not possibly articulate or make sense of this. His descriptions are so complete and are absolutely obvious in the light of absolute infinity.



It even makes logical sense. And that is the beauty. Before hearing this, I was thinking I could not make logical sense of it. But after contemplating what he said and listening to it twice, I have to say, I can not come up with anything to dismiss his arguments. It obviously cannot be any other way.

Reality has to be absolutely infinite, otherwise it could not exist at all. If it was not infinity, it would mean there must be something outside of it which constrains it. But then this constrain is a part of reality again. And so it goes on forever. Reality HAS to include everything. Not just what is possible but also everything that is impossible. It is so incredibly mind-bending than we can only be humble and infinitely thankful.

There is still something my ego just does not quite want to accept. And that is the fact that “I” do not exist in this infinite groundlessness. Nor does anyone or anything else. From the grand perspective it is all “me” and it is all one. The crazy thing is, if you are reading this, it is not me the writer who is it, it is “you” the reader who is it. You are it and no one else. That means from the perspective of the absolute self, I am all of it and I am absolutely alone. Because there could not possibly be anything else that is beyond this reality, which I am. Nothing is separate from it.

And as Alan Watts pointed out so beautifully: It is the game of hide and seek, which god likes to play with itself.

I have to say I somehow miss the naïve childish notion of referring to anything solid outside of oneself. But on the greater scheme this realization is so liberating and really the only satisfying answer to the search for truth in a sense.

If you have had a profound psychedelic experience, but you cannot yet fully grasp what Leo is explaining in this video, realize that your mind was not able to “remember” what you experienced during your trip. My profound mushroom experience was four years ago. And since then I am working on integrating what I have experienced. It is all still saved up somewhere in my memory, but it takes serious work to integrate it into your world-view and to make it accessible to the sober mind.

Currently I believe one such powerful trip might actually be enough for a lifetime. And from there one it just takes work and practice to integrate the experience. Although with this approach the likelihood is high that you will just forget about it and never again bother to investigate it. In my experience, taking small dosages of some psychedelic from time to time, keeps the motivation high. Each time you get a small glimpse again of the absolutely infinite, if you approach it with the right intent.
I have become incredibly sensitive to psychedelics. I can access this infinite perspective on dosages where others do not even notice anything. It all comes down to the intent with which you go into the experience. I am currently experimenting with AL-LAD in slowing increasing dosages. It is said to be warmer, more controllable and not as twisted and weird as the mushrooms.

As the mushroom experience was also so frightening towards the end, I am still very hesitant to “become god” again. I think it was so frightening because I had no conceptual knowledge of any of this when I went into the experience.


We are living in the most challenging times of all history

If you have been growing up in a western society like I have, you have probably heard it so often, that you would never even think of questioning it. I have always been told how life today is so much better than it ever was before in history. And that it is going to constantly improve through economic growth.
I have to say, this is one of my core believes. And it has recently been challenged so deeply that it motivated me to write down my thoughts about it in this article.

If you have not studied a major spiritual tradition like Buddhism, than this will probably not fit into your mental model of reality.

The individuals ego-perspective…

From the perspective of the an individual human being who believes in birth and death and that he only has this one life, it becomes obvious that his life has improved through the achievements of our society. At least with some intelligent thought he has the potential to avoid disease, does not have to work hard physically, has a warm shelter and does not have to worry where his next meal will come from. But this only works as long as you believe in this illusion. Be aware that this concept of birth and death is probably another one of your core believes.
It is so deeply ingrained in who you think you are and in how the world works, that you will call this absolute nonsense. If you have not followed spiritual practices to the point where you inevitable discover the flaws behind this mental concept, you just cannot see through the illusion. Until you have a direct experience of this, you will either believe it (and still have doubts) or you will totally reject it.



The True Self-perspective…

From the perspective of the true Self, which is the awareness that lives in and through every living being, our current time is probably the worst it has ever experienced. On a long term basis the delusional state so many people are in, will cause great suffering, extinction of species and maybe ultimately the human race. Our individual egos have to be transcended in order for us to understand that it is really our own selves that we are harming with our egotistical behavior. Taking resources form future generations, because we believe only in this one and only life, really places a burden on us. Only because we enter our lives without memories of past lives, it doesn’t mean the same consciousness, which is the basis of our experience, will not have to go through all those other lives.
Imagine consciousness as the ocean. The energy from the sun causes water to evaporate, resulting in rain drops. In a similar way, our karma has resulted in our current life. Our lives are like those falling rain drops on the way back into the vast ocean. But we are thinking we are only that tiny little rain drop. With a beginning and an end. But that is the illusion. It will never end. You will only forget, change form, be reborn and relieve. We are that giant ocean from which we came and where we will ultimately go. Not all of it, but part of it. Awakened human beings realize this. From that understanding, immense empathy towards other living being and a feeling of connectedness or oneness develops.

 

Why our times are so challenging than?

In one sentence, the challenge lies in trying (and having) to avoid all the traps of our modern society.
Our modern technology makes it incredibly easy to not recognize that harm it causes to our environment. Sitting in a car, driving down a road, you are not actively experiencing all the trees that have to be destroyed and all the animals that had to be killed to build that road and that car. Imagine doing all of that with your own hands. You would probably feel very bad about that.
Flying around the earth in an airplane is probably even worse. In a similar way this goes for every item we consume. And worst thing is, that this is especially true for our food. In order to nature into a field, we had to destroy it. A field is not nature. There is almost nothing living there anymore. The food had to be transported. The machines to plow the earth and harvest the crop needed to be build…
Natural? Organic? Sustainable? We can forget all of that.

Compare that to the way we are meant to obtain our food. Harvesting from trees and shrubs whatever nature provides, taking leaves of plants here and there and hunting only what we need. Killing only the weak or old animal, never the young or pregnant. We could shape the landscape into sustainable food forests, where we plant trees which provide us food. Not plowing the earth, not excluding other animals from the ecosystem and returning back to the system what we took.

We have now all grown up in an environment that has never been natural in our lifetimes. So when we think of nature, we might actually think of fields or the parks in cities. This is all not nature. Not even our forests are natural ecosystems anymore, as they are most often used  for growing and harvesting wood. The areas that are dedicated nature reserves might be the last remainders of a natural ecosystem. And even those are often divided by roads which impacts wild-life.


While all this might sound incredibly serious, remember, this is the game of hide and seek, god chose to play with itself. So it’s all for shits and giggles anyways. Seriousness needs to be combined with humor and a relaxed attitude. This is the only way to tackle such problems, while staying sane.

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